Annastiina Virmavirta
When I started working with Marijn she felt like a warmest, safest hug I never had before. Almost unbelievably caring, present, attuned, patient and non judgemental person. Someone who I started to trust from the very session.
However, after working with her for 3 years I ended up quitting the therapy after a conflict where I saw a very different person.
In between this what happened was after working for a year we started to have sessions very often. Sessions were usually very intense and most of the time I didn't know what was happening, why we did what we did but I trusted the therapist so much I didn't regognize my boundaries and then I suddenly started to have heart palpitations and panic attacks. Never in my life I had these before. That experience was the most horrific thing I ever had to go through. And still have to live with. It started a vicious cycle which I didn't understand and I had to search for information and guidance elsewhere what was happening to me.
When I first realized what was happening to me and that we went too fast too deep so my nervous system went to complete dysregulation. When I first addressed Marijn feedback about my experience she received it very well and responded with compassion and understanding. She made very clear that she was eager to find a way for us to continue work.
But after we continued there was something missing. At some point I noticed her to be less and less patient, caring and attuned to me. The therapy seem to lack consistency and also basic information which would have been very helpful. Of course I could have asked but I didn't know better then - which obviously was the reason I was in therapy. Afterwards I realized that I was losing trust in her and our therapy. I still tried to discuss that with her but it eventually ended up in a full conflict where I saw her become defensive and frustrated herself for the first time in 3 years. That's when I realized there's something triggered in her now that she can't listen and be attuned to my experiences anymore.
I was very saddened and frustrated that the therapy ended in conflict. The last session we had was traumatic for me. When her reactions were completely different than ever before I went to survival mode to convincing her that she can do this. She can help me. After the session I realized what had happened and I didn't want to see her again. The way She responded to my notice I got the impression she was relieved. Like she had wanted to end it herself. I was left feeling betrayed.
There were moments were I felt the therapy was helpful to me. But when the panic attacks appeared it had already gone too fast too far. And that was the biggest problem. Panic attacks don't need a trigger so trying to find what happened before is point less. What would have been helpful and sometimes was happening - which I also believe should be SE therapy - to just focus on desensitizing the nervous system, deactivating survival responses and understanding what is happening in your body and mind in those moments. Trying to find and understand the meaning behind every trigger is an exhausting way to live.
Well, that's part of it. What happened in the therapy and the way it ended left so much unresolved and unsaid that I could continue forever. This is the shortert I managed to keep it.
However, after working with her for 3 years I ended up quitting the therapy after a conflict where I saw a very different person.
In between this what happened was after working for a year we started to have sessions very often. Sessions were usually very intense and most of the time I didn't know what was happening, why we did what we did but I trusted the therapist so much I didn't regognize my boundaries and then I suddenly started to have heart palpitations and panic attacks. Never in my life I had these before. That experience was the most horrific thing I ever had to go through. And still have to live with. It started a vicious cycle which I didn't understand and I had to search for information and guidance elsewhere what was happening to me.
When I first realized what was happening to me and that we went too fast too deep so my nervous system went to complete dysregulation. When I first addressed Marijn feedback about my experience she received it very well and responded with compassion and understanding. She made very clear that she was eager to find a way for us to continue work.
But after we continued there was something missing. At some point I noticed her to be less and less patient, caring and attuned to me. The therapy seem to lack consistency and also basic information which would have been very helpful. Of course I could have asked but I didn't know better then - which obviously was the reason I was in therapy. Afterwards I realized that I was losing trust in her and our therapy. I still tried to discuss that with her but it eventually ended up in a full conflict where I saw her become defensive and frustrated herself for the first time in 3 years. That's when I realized there's something triggered in her now that she can't listen and be attuned to my experiences anymore.
I was very saddened and frustrated that the therapy ended in conflict. The last session we had was traumatic for me. When her reactions were completely different than ever before I went to survival mode to convincing her that she can do this. She can help me. After the session I realized what had happened and I didn't want to see her again. The way She responded to my notice I got the impression she was relieved. Like she had wanted to end it herself. I was left feeling betrayed.
There were moments were I felt the therapy was helpful to me. But when the panic attacks appeared it had already gone too fast too far. And that was the biggest problem. Panic attacks don't need a trigger so trying to find what happened before is point less. What would have been helpful and sometimes was happening - which I also believe should be SE therapy - to just focus on desensitizing the nervous system, deactivating survival responses and understanding what is happening in your body and mind in those moments. Trying to find and understand the meaning behind every trigger is an exhausting way to live.
Well, that's part of it. What happened in the therapy and the way it ended left so much unresolved and unsaid that I could continue forever. This is the shortert I managed to keep it.